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Sister Garrote of Forgiveness and Brother Trebuchet of Kind Equanimity wish you a most excellent Friday. Both are named members of the Unitarian Jihad, an extremely radical group, whose manifesto (reported by Jon Carroll) reads as follows:
Greetings to the Imprisoned Citizens of the United States. We are
Unitarian Jihad. There is only God, unless there is more than one God. The
vote of our God subcommittee is 10-8 in favor of one God, with two abstentions.
Brother Flaming Sword of Moderation noted the possibility of there being no
God at all, and his objection was noted with love by the secretary.
Greetings to the Imprisoned Citizens of the United States! Too long
has your attention been waylaid by the bright baubles of extremist
thought. Too long have fundamentalist yahoos of all religions (except
Buddhism — 14-5 vote, no abstentions, fundamentalism subcommittee)
made your head hurt. Too long have you been buffeted by angry people
who think that God talks to them. You have a right to your moderation!
You have the power to be calm! We will use the IED of truth to explode
the SUV of dogmatic expression!
You can see that this organization was made for cats. Well, except
maybe for the committee part. All cats, however, are unitarian in their
opposition to dogmatic expression!
And doesn’t this sound feline?
Beware! Unless you people shut up and begin acting like grown-ups with
brains enough to understand the difference between political belief and
personal faith, the Unitarian Jihad will begin a series of terrorist-like
actions. We will take over television studios, kidnap so-called commentators
and broadcast calm, well-reasoned discussions of the issues of the day. We
will not try for "balance" by hiring fruitcakes; we will try for balance by
hiring non-ideologues who have carefully thought through the issues.
Cats are always thinking. Cats have terrific balance. Cats are
impatient with idiocy. Cats believe in being friendly, as long as it is
demonstrated with appropriate and dignified aloofness. Cats take
pleasure in imagining that their foes are edible:
We are Unitarian Jihad. We will appear in public places and require
people to [touch noses] with each other. (Sister Hand Grenade of Love suggested
that we institute a terror regime of mandatory [purring], but her motion was not
formally introduced because of lack of a quorum.) We will require all
lobbyists, spokes[dogs] and campaign managers to dress like trout . . .
Cats, despite their noise-making at certain seasons, are basically peaceable, though somewhat bossy creatures:
People of the United States! We are Unitarian Jihad! We can strike
without warning. Pockets of reasonableness and harmony will appear as if from
nowhere! Nice [beings] will run the government again! There will be [milk] and [tuna] in the Gandhi Room after the revolution.
On behalf of the Unitarian Siblings, I commend to you this week’s Carnival of the Cats; Carnival of the Dogs; Rascal Fair; and Friday Ark. Remember, the Carnival of the Cats is here at Watermark on Sunday! [Get your entry form here.]
Respectfully,
Sister Peaceful Neutron Bomb of Moderate Joy
[Many thanks to our feline siblings, Sister Clusterbomb of Tranquility and Sister Inspired Trebuchet of Quiet Reflection for alerting us to this revolutionary feline advance.]
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