Dear AgonyCats:

My human has become preoccupied with things other than me. I don’t mean just
reading — books have always been a manageable competitor (just sit on them.) I
mean computing.

She used to sit at a desk and try to type, but I could easily distract her by
walking across the keyboard. Now, though, she has a fancy little laptop gadget
that lives — believe it or not! — on her
lap!
My lap! Hours go by, and she hardly even
notices me.

What do you advise?

~ Pitifully abandoned for the
internets

Spike says:

Dear Abandoned:

Do not — I repeat, DO NOT — tolerate
this from your human. You must intervene immediately to prevent an escalation of
unacceptable behavior, or soon she will be forgetting to feed you. You must
firmly, and frequently, remind her of her place. Begin with relatively benign
corrections, but do not hesitate to progress to more severe interventions if
necessary.

Try these:

• Pace in front of her, yowling commandingly. If properly trained, she should
  stop whatever she is doing to figure out what you want, and provide it.
• Squeeze up next to her as close as possible; roll onto your back; then grasp
  her arm with all four of your legs. Don’t let go. She can’t type when you
  are gripping her like this.
• Push into her side (arm, or ribs — whichever is most accessible) as hard as
  possible with your head. Keep it up until she pauses to scritch you.
• If there are other critters in your family (child, cat, dog, bird, hamster
  — whatever) annoy them to create an uproar. She’ll have to get up to
  protect them — or you. This can lead to a fun game of chase.
• If all else fails, bring your teddy bear as close to her as possible, and
  begin humping it and screeching. This will nearly always work. Humans are
  incapable of ignoring this behavior. At the very least, she will stop typing
  long enough to pick you up and lock you away.

Most importantly, do not just let this behavior continue. There is no excuse for
ignoring a Cat.

Boo says:

Dear Pitifully:

I suggest you examine your own contribution to this sad state of affairs. Have
you been as attentive to
her as you ought to be? Are you keeping
yourself well-groomed; purring often and loudly; being alert to comfort and
amuse her when she is bored or depressed? Perhaps you have been taking her for
granted, and need to carry a bit more of the load during this stressful time.

I suggest:

• Sit nearby (but at a non-disruptive distance) while she works, gently
  purring and looking up at her occasionally. Put on your most charming,
  affectionate, respectful expression during these interactions.
• Consider how tense her body must be, typing away like that all the time.
  Gently drape yourself over her shoulders, and massage
  (claws kept in!) her neck. A few
  sweet face pats will not go unappreciated, I’m sure.
• Sit across the room and gaze at her sadly. Eventually she will relent, set
  the laptop aside, and invite you back where you belong.
  Patience!
• Act kittenish. Humans can’t resist cuteness.
• Bring her one of your toys to play with. Demonstrate for her how it should
  be done. This may require repetition.

I’m sure that if you commit yourself to it, this relationship
can be saved.

Ask the AgonyCats will appear at
unpredictable, feline intervals, depending on cat moods and the mailbox. If you
would like to solicit advice, send an email to:
askthecats
AT sbpoet DOT com. Boo and/or Spike will be happy to respond. Maybe.

Both AgonyCats have a great deal of
experience in inter-species relationships, though they bring somewhat different
perspectives to the situations they encounter. Any problem submitted for their
consideration is assured of the utmost discretion, expertise, and
privacy.*  Feline correspondents will, of course, have priority.

*[Discretion and privacy are guaranteed, except that letters will be published
for the readers of this blog; and the readers of any excerpts published outside
of this blog; and any over-the-fence or under-the-sheets conversationalists. No
solution is guaranteed to be effective under any circumstance, and
AgonyCats accepts no liability for hurt
feelings, inadvertent or deliberately inflicted wounds, or any other damages
that may ensue from incorrectly or correctly implementing any suggestions
herein. Whatsoever. Etcetera.]

Have any concerns or complaints about this silliness?

Go hiss at
Anne.
It was
her
idea.

Or, just go entertain yourself elsewhere:

• The Carnival of the Cats is at Life From A Cat’s Perpective
• Tomorrow the new carnival will be at Grace and Kittens
• Weekend Cat Blogging is at What Did You Eat
• & Friday Ark  is up at Modulator

May your week be Agony-Free.